Best of Month: AotY #18: The Wonder Years' "The Hum Goes on Forever" via Hopeless / Loneliest Place on Earth

 

I don’t want to die, at least not without you.


I remember the first time I realized I didn’t want to die. It was the night Trump declared that doctors, paramedics, and general health professionals could deny us help because of who we were. I was a newly hatched trans person and I was terrified, the world seemed to want me to die so badly and in realizing that I realized I wanted to be alive. That was before I really knew you. As I started to get to know you it kept hitting. How could I want to die? My entire life I thought that if this life could just end then the next one would be worth living. It was rare that I thought about doing that myself, but I’d be lying if I said it never crossed my mind.


As I get to this record on the list, I start to ask myself why it's placed where it is. Eighteen seems so low. I put this on nearly every single day. Then I realized that when I laid out my index cards to rank these there were two categories that I wasn’t even aware of. The first were records that are good but did not remind me of any story in particular. Had that category been the first this would be my second favorite of the year. I think at the end of next year, just like every year, I’ll look at all these placements so much differently.


Then I wonder why I’m writing this one as a letter to you. You’ve never listened to this, not really. Your name is in the lyrics on this one, but it never really makes me think of you. It’s a story of someone with your name who comes and goes as they please. Who takes and never gives back, and the author is starting to grow tired of it. The exact opposite of you or my feelings toward you. They even say your name in the way you don’t like. You’ve protected me so much this year. You took me in when you didn’t have to. We ended up together to no one’s surprise. I think we’ll know each other for a long time. I want to know you for the rest of my life. I want to protect you right back. I hope I light up your world the way you light up mine. For three years you were a voice on the phone. Now you’re really here every day. Every time I look into those eyes it doesn’t matter how I felt before; I calm down. 


I wrote you something. This isn't it. You'll hear it soon. You're making me dinner for my birthday right now and I want to do the same for you. I'm adding this days after writing it. I'll link you to it on the bus ride of it going up. I'm so happy we get to be there for each other as our respective creative projects come to life. 


I don’t want to die, cause I’ve got to protect you.


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