Review: I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE by Evelyn Gray
The day you are reading this Evelyn Gray's second full-length, "I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE" has been released. This follows 2022's how to be alone EP, which, had a slightly longer run time than this new release but didn't quite show the variety of Evelyn as an artist. Between the two singles from FIGHTING we already have started to see the evolution of her as a songwriter and vocalist so I was excited to dig into the entire project to see just how far she had come.
We already covered “AIR” the first single, but it should be reiterated how much this track does with such little material. With just vocals and some percussion, “AIR” is one of the heaviest songs I’ve heard this year. It's also just very forthcoming to write a song about the fantasy of your own death in contrast and combat with it taking form.
The following single “HIDING” was telling of what the entire first side of the album was going for. While “AIR” establishes the tortured subject matter and “OXYGEN,” which comes between these two in the track list sets the sonic tone, “HIDING” uses these in unison. Several layers of vocals are established in an a cappella intro and lead into a slow burn instrumental. Every moment you can register something new being added to the mix before it all comes to a screaming halt altogether.
Between the two singles is, as mentioned, “OXYGEN,” which feels like a moment of clarity between the intrusive thoughts. While still bleak it’s the answer to the question of what bleak means in context. It is also rich in sound design as on the surface its only two instruments and vocals. The picture is so much larger than the snapshot, however, feedback, guitar noises, I think I hear a horn all give the illusion of distraction and make the song much more expressive and complete.
“HEAT FROM FIRE” is a minute and a half, very dense, again very heavy, piece of music serving as a tonal shift in the record. The first half uses a similar method to “AIR” where it’s so heavy with minimal layering, just in a different headspace. Vocally this is composed like a taunt, Evelyn sings this like she’s egging her subject on. Leading up to the final section she gets further and further away before the track becomes totally discordant. The addition of piano and violin here because they serve in such contrast with the slower cuts on the first half.
“PITIFUL” takes a different direction as well and uses, what I think are, the least number of tracks on the record but uses them in a bigger way. Behind the vocals I hear two guitar tracks and a drum track, nothing else. Everything is played so slowly and drawn out it makes for a big picture which feels like a massive pay off this close to the end. If “HEAT FROM FIRE’s” melody is school yard teasing this is pure villainy. Taking the themes of the record into consideration it feels like the terror from the first half of the album wielded in a more constructive way.
“PALATIBILITY” takes the discordant verse on “FIRE” and expands it to its own track. You can hear the overjoyed, sinister nature in full here, brought on by the elevating mood on each and every song before it. The darkness, the entire time, had a payoff. Every feminine person is expected to control our emotions because, to quote the track directly, “God forbid a girl be emotional.” When you’re trans-femme you get an additional condition where you can’t show any negative emotion at all, lest you be called out as an angry man. We all know this, we all talk about it, but when you hear it in a song suddenly you really internalize it isn’t your fault.
This isn’t the thesis of the song though, it’s a criticism on gender-non-conforming individuals who enforce the mentioned palatability. The lyrics to “HEAT FROM FIRE” aren’t a diss-track but you understand what the titular lyric is trying to say. It’s subtle and it’s earned because the song also reminds you, right at the end, it isn’t your sister's desire to assimilate into expectation who represents the monster. It’s the people who started the expectation in the first place.
"HEAT FROM FIRE, FIRE FROM HEAT" is featured on the AsterTracks Playlist on Spotify
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