Beach Bunny’s Emotional Creature and the fall and rise of AsterTracks: It all comes out eventually
As for the band we’re talking about; this is the second full length record from Beach Bunny, the brainchild of Chicago, IL’s Lili Trifilio. It’s a project that has gone from Tik Tok sensation to touring alongside Panic! At the Disco and MARINA in arenas. It’s the first band I ever reviewed on this blog. It’s the band I cried over the pandemic with, over coming out with. It’s the band that released the music with which I re-learned to smile. It’s the second band I ever saw in a dress. I’ve bonded with people over this band, I’ve written about them more than any other artist. These records mean more to me than I could possibly contain in a write up. It’s the only band I’d want to do this very post to.
Okay we covered? You want me to do my job?
The first single off the record, “Oxygen” was released all the way back in October of last year. Between the more positive outlook on life Trifilio presents on this cut and her ever increasing vocal range it ended up being my number one single at the end of the year. We have, of course, seen evidence of that range time and time again on previous records. For example on Honeymoon’s “Racetrack” we saw her ability to be a total vocal chameleon. When Blame Game came around I thought it was just her growth in ability and while I’m sure that plays a role as well, I think most of the differences in range are something she can control. On this track in particular she bears a lot of resemblance to Boa’s Jasmine Rodgers on certain lines. Instrumentally this presents as the perfect track two but also the perfect introduction to the album cycle if you were following along. The guitar sections at the beginning of each verse sound like a curtain being drawn. The vocal melody sounds simultaneously like an intro and like it's coming off the heels of a song before, a song that I’m glad is a complete track and not an album intro. Interestingly, this very melody sounds like it’s telling a story when in reality it’s describing what being in love actually is; this all encompassing euphoric feeling. It isn’t so much that the person, or whatever moves you, that you’re in love with is your entire world, it’s that they are such a part of your world that you know at the end of your day, good or bad, they’ll be right there waiting for you and you them.
“Suddenly everything is easy, I’ve never felt anything so deeply
Cause with you, I breathe again, baby you’re my oxygen.”
As someone who never really resonated with a love song before, this track in its second life as a song on an album is creating a new sensation for me. That very feeling of love and being loved is new and it makes not only the bad days feel worth it, it makes my pain feel worth it. Over the course of the past two years I’ve had to learn to love both myself and trust in my loved one’s ability to feel love for me. That first part was especially difficult. At the top of the pandemic I was confronted, for the first time in my life, with who I truly was. I realized, gazing into a mirror in my dimly lit bathroom in the third floor apartment where I lived alone, I didn’t just not love myself, I despised myself. Not only was Claudia Santos herself not realized, not only was I something I didn’t believe in, I was a type of person that genuinely grossed me out. It’s been a long process and it still isn’t over, I know that, I don’t think it ever truly ends. I have some sense of an identity now. I know I like writing, I can somewhat make myself look in a way everyday that I’m satisfied with. I appreciate my friends, my partner, even myself a little more than I did in my past life. I still have my issues for sure. Even in taking the voice notes for this review outside I wavered and hit stop when someone walked by. The important thing is that I’m learning. Both to love myself more slowly through my own expression and comfortability and with another person in a way that is my own, not the way someone else tells me I have to feel. It all really changes the way you look at things.
The second single, “Fire Escape,” is just a cool jam. The riffs and percussion are huge and everyone gives it their all. I didn’t love this song as a single and maybe that’s an issue with me as both a consumer of music and an art critic. When singles are released I tend to look for the hook, the thing that sticks in my head so I can’t forget a song. This doesn’t really have that, it’s just a good time and an exercise in what this project is at its core. No hook, just a cool instrumental backing, a little jam and you’re out. I still don’t really go to this one by itself but as an album track it really works. It also contrasts the track before it well being that they’re both short and sweet but have such different vibes. We’ll get to that eventually though.
On the other hand there was “Karaoke” which I loved as a single. The way Trifilio sings and presents this one feels like an important memory from her own life and the mood of the track is built around that to take her back there. Structurally this type of song isn’t new for this band. A lot of Beach Bunny songs from the early days are a heartfelt indie song into an instrumental diddy and then the end. I’m happy that there was one of those classics in the singles and I’m even happier there were even more precious gems to discover deeper into the record.
I had heard the fourth single, “Entropy,” performed live back in November before I moved out west and was looking forward to hearing a studio version. In all honesty I wish this one wasn’t a single but I always feel that way about the first or last song on any record. To me it’s such a magical experience to drop the needle on a new record and be hit with something fresh like it’s Christmas morning. Regardless of my feelings on the broader issues I do understand, this track fits into the space narrative Trifilio was trying to tell and it's also really good at introducing what this whole record is. Emotional Creature is a much more positive experience than Honeymoon was. There is of course still the efficiency of dealing with pain with intent but at the same time there are a lot more fun moments and indulgence in joy than before. While I don’t necessarily feel like the vocal performances on this one stand out above other tracks on the record, there is groundwork for the songs to come. For example the near-spoken flat delivery on the bridge is a tool that is used on later tracks. Where “Entropy” shines is in its instrumental. There’s clear nineties pop rock influence, think hits of the time like “Closing Time.” There are chord progressions used here that make the song pop whether you know the lyrics or not and when you do there’s a huge chorus for you to get into. Songs like this are a good reminder that this band isn’t incredibly technical, they’re just going to hit you with songs so strong they stand out in their genre.
“Somebody’s gonna figure me out and I hope they do~”
Now, I know, that isn’t the whole line, but seeing as I’m talking about my own acceptance of my own identity there unfortunately has to be a come out. That half-line rang loud for me when I was repeating this song day after day before flying away from my hometown. Coming out is an exhausting prospect. You have to explain to people over and over who you are and what makes you comfortable and worry about what they’re going to do to you if they don’t approve of that. A part of you wants to get caught so you don’t have to do it yourself. Of course, the song has other meanings to me. In a lot of ways I am in the middle of learning to reclaim my own humanity and escaping those who would hurt me. I have to accept also, however, that I need to take the half steps to get to the full ones or absorb half a line before the entire sentence can mean much else.
The song “Weeds” was dropped mere days before the release of the record as its final single. There is a killer bridge here that becomes an even stronger outro; subtle piano keys and building back up vocals become this stellar final moment. Lyrically Trifilio is especially quippy with phrasings like the Polly Pocket line as well as;
“I’m sick of playing games, let’s leave puzzles on the top shelf
Begging a boy to come for help when I could just learn to love myself”
Those little jabs hit me every time but not as hard as the chorus, which, drives home the tracks entire messaging;
“He’s not the problem,
The problem is you think you’re only viable for love when someone makes you feel complete
You’re a diamond, wish you could see you the way I see
You can’t blossom if you keep growing gardens out of weeds.”
When I read that part out loud, it doesn’t even read like lyrics to me. This entire song communicates a message telling you that if you want to be saved you shouldn’t put yourself down, something you can only start to do if you don’t allow others to put you down. In my last relationship my transition was always put down in subtle ways. Anytime I started to actualize the way I wanted to look it was hit with a backhanded compliment; either something I wanted was too much money while being impractical, or I looked immature or dumb. All these little seeds of doubt were planted in my garden and whenever I got sad about it, she would mimic that depression. Something this relationship was good for for over a decade was taking possession of my feelings so I didn’t feel them anymore. All of a sudden my dysphoria and lack of progress became her inability to support or help me and I had to reassure her she was helping when she was actively making things worse. Is that her fault though? Well, if I’m listening to what the song has to say then no, not really. It was partially on me for keeping her there. In the same way, those back home who hurt me were not the final problem. I was at least a little responsible for not being willing to fight sooner. Then again, I can’t really blame myself either. Maybe I needed the perspective of thousands of miles of separation to understand that. Regardless of who's to blame, I’m here now. Whatever it took, right?
When I first heard “Deadweight” the phrase “wow, Lili sounds pissed” came to mind. Then, the line;
“I’m pissed off, no, I’m enraged.
Sometimes it feels like you have changed.”
Opened verse two and I chuckled to myself aloud. It’s all in her delivery here, she’s practically shaking singing this out. It’s just another way she’s an incredible vocalist, even over a joyful indie cut you can really hear the tinge of emotion. Instrumentally this one, as mentioned above, is another call back to the earliest days of this band.
Sonically and structurley “Gone” plays in the exact same spaces. Only here, Trifilio has a sense of passion and distress as opposed to rage. Lyrically that makes sense, as the themes presented are those of the fact that comfort and your everyday patterns can be broken. What you think makes you happy could truly just be making you feel an illusion of safety and within that safety you could never want to change. Over these past few years I think that was my biggest challenge. Internally I felt a sense of safety in living with the role I was born into. Feeling pressured to be a man when you’re a woman is a lot to unlearn. I’m still unlearning it. There are so many ways it's easier to slip into masculinity to make it through certain social interactions or just safely make the walk home given how men treat you when you identify as femme. On the outside it was easier to be psychologically abused than to do anything about it. Being told how to feel and that the way I felt was incorrect was something I had easily absorbed since childhood, ergo it makes sense that I fell into a partnership that was no different. I think as far as acting goes, I excelled at both.
“Eventually” is Trifilio’s proof of ability on two fronts. The first is to keep a song compelling in such a tight window. This thing is just two minutes long and yet its riff is continuously used in refreshing ways. This chorus is huge and the dubbed backing vocals are a feat to behold. All of that and her poetic proficiency is out of this world on this one.
“You're always there in my mind, in my hair, when I lose it.
Teaching my feet how to walk properly through the movement.”
I think as far as this setting of Beach Bunny song goes this is a much stronger showing than “Fire Escape” was. The other example it provides is her ability to recognize when a cliche is a cliche and that she should push the boundary. There is an emo guitar method used here ala the school of the mid nineties where there isn’t much technicality going on but there is a certain efficiency to elevate the entire sound.
To bare my soul to you in the truest way, I feel this song is the most important. I had to, at some point, learn a harsh life lesson; You can live your life and say; “This is what people expect me to be and for them to be happy I need to stay put.” Until of course you realize that everyone’s happy with your role in their life except you. Then you can cope with that role in detrimental ways. You can sit in your room every night until the sun rises and build who you want to be with a persona on the internet that no one knows is you. You can say to yourself every single day that one day all the puzzle pieces will fall into place and you can be that exact person. Knowing that the person holding you back the most is yourself. You can stay in the corpse of a long dead relationship and tell everyone how happy you are but what you tell yourself is that there’s some imaginary point you’re building to where it's acceptable to leave. Then you find yourself living with your partner, so you have to take ownership of yourself to some degree. You come out to your best friend, then your partner. Your partner is so angry with you, not because you’re not who she thought, but because she wanted to take ownership of your autonomy and be the first to know. You live through her sexualizing and objectifying you in uncomfortable ways until eventually you get the hormones, you start dressing as yourself at night or on days off to make yourself happy. Except even that’s not making you happy. If you ever have to leave the house unexpectedly it breaks you to tears. You find it hard to make it through the day because you’ve played this character so long and everyone loves him, not you.
You slowly come out to friends, it goes pretty well. You read a story online about a girl in Florida who got caught by her mother on the internet and was taken with open arms as her daughter. So, you wrestle internally for a year until you finally tell your own, knowing that it’s a fairytale but believing you’ll get a fraction of that love. It’s seven months later. In that time your mother has told you that you lied to her for too long, you killed her son, you have no idea what it’s like. She doesn’t see the irony in the fact that neither does she. You cry about it everyday and resolve that fine, you’ll be no one’s daughter. That all the dreams you once had you’ll never find at home. So when the final ember of your old life is snuffed out you move three thousand miles away.
Except, that doesn’t fully work either.
“The faster I run from the problem the harder I fall.”
The distance doesn’t make the blood ties go away. Who is stopping you from being yourself? An abusive ex? A conservative father? A mother who couldn’t return what you truly needed? Well, I can’t let them off the hook really but the final answer is yourself. Maybe you needed that distance to learn to stand up for yourself though, regardless you made your choices.
“It all comes out eventually.”
I recognize my privilege of course. There are some people who could never in one million years leave an abusive situation. I was able to. Claudia Santos has a life on the west coast. She has a job, a girlfriend, friends in her area and back at home. She has a music blog that’s her emotional outlet. She has the ability to walk to the market and cook for her household, the first one in a long time where she feels safe and loved. She has family back home, some are supportive, some just keep saying they are. The point is that it does, in fact, all come out eventually. You cannot hide forever. I cannot hide forever.
“Gravity” feels like so much more than an interlude to me. Doesn’t get led into, doesn’t lead into anything. It’s just a cool synth instrumental. As loose the space theme on the record as a whole is, it was thought out here. There’s obviously not a whole poetic coverage I can do of a minute and a half synth piece, but I'd be remiss to not mention it as a special moment on the record.
The song “Scream” may be my new favorite Beach Bunny cut in general. While there are synths present on a huge portion of this record I don’t think there’s another true synth rock track. Once again I have to applaud Trifilio’s attention to detail; the backing vocals in verse two that are produced in such a way that they sound instrumental, the vocal outro, the bass riffs. There’s also her cautious vocal delivery itself where she stays just at that level of intensity that’s appropriate for the song. If I were to give any criticisms I would say that the second scream feels a little weird. While the first displays an emotion of frustration with societal expectation the second feels a little forced and like it’s trying to bend as an outro. My second and final criticism is that the presentation of these lyrics are a tad middle school english. Don’t get me wrong though; at their heart they are incredible.
“I feel conflicted, but it's excitement
Maybe I'm nervous, mostly, I like it
It's like the house light I keep unlit
Last box in the basement, I've got a secret”
What I truly want anyone reading to take away from this section is this; you weren’t born into a box, someone put you there. Everyone acts like this cishetero society we’ve built is untouchable and impossible to break but it’s not. Somewhere out there is a home for you. I’ve found mine. If someone tries to tell you the way you are isn’t normal and you have to succumb to whoever they want you to be, you need to run if you can. You can be trans, you can be gay, you can be polyamorous or any shape you feel that you fit into, queer or not. Eventually that silence will be broken.
“Actin' like there's nothing wrong
So they can just move on
Sometimes I just wanna
But if I did, it'd make you question if I'm worthy of
Feeling love, it's funny how we get along
Just as long as I'm quiet”
This is another phrasing that hits me on multiple layers. On one hand I think of my partner, who I feel I’ve been on a path to meeting for a long time, and while it feels like we’ve known each other only a short time I remember the scope of how long it's actually been. The day I write this section is the anniversary of my album of the year last year. I remember listening to it for the first time and texting her well into the night about how amazed I was by its quality. Remember that we had bonding over music for a long time before even that. On the other hand I think about the woman in the mirror. A girl who has been begging to come out since I was only six years old. Who pried into my dreams, into my thoughts, into my every mannerism. I understand now that she wasn’t born two years ago, she was always here. The point is; sometimes the person you need is across the country, sometimes that person is the person that you are not yet. DJ needed Claudia to internalize, get him out of the rut, make him see that he had something to live for but he needed to understand that to escape that cycle he had to become her. Claudia needed Aster as a last line of defense. A mysterious presence that couldn’t truly be reached but understood through music and what she loved about it enough to show that to the world at a comfortable distance. Only to me, that’s not the other side of the country, that’s not some future shown in a mirror. I’ve already lived it. She’s been here for twenty two years dreaming about it, two years making a plan for it, a year putting that into action and then finally a month living it. It’s only now that she's ready to be public facing and while I have my past personas to thank, it’s time to admit that I don’t need them anymore.
It’s out, it’s eventually. I’m back and here to stay.
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